current addiction: going crazy
playlist favorite: say it again- marie digby
I know I haven't been updating my blog since I started work. But I'll soon have more time to blog co'z I've resigned.
To make the long story short, it boils down to unhappiness and shamefully, fear.
I don't like how I feel towards work so I decided to just let it go and give myself a merry xmas. I'll be officially unemployed come 17th.
I am blogging now because I am so stressed out with work. I'm so pressured to perform well because I'm driven by fear of failure... and that other kind of fear. I hate what I'm feeling especially because I'm procrastinating which is a bad sign for me. My hands are so clammy too. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn't happening.
I really am going crazy. I've become a nervous-freak which I didn't think possible. I used to be so strong but this job has pushed me to curl up in a ball and hide in a cocoon. It's so frustrating. I'm so disappointed in myself.
So sorry if my post is all over the place. I just need to vent out my feelings because it's just driving me crazy. I need your prayers so I can emerge out of this awful experience sane and unscathed.
Hope to blog again when I'm less paranoid and with better news to tell.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Love and the city
current addiction: work
playlist favorite: say it again- Marie Digby
Love in reality is so much different from what exists in your head.
I used to believe in fantasy. In fate and destiny. In "the one". In happy endings.
But a year of heartbreaks and destroyed fantasies has lead me to believe that dreams do not translate to reality. Reality is too real to be perfect-- and love exists in reality. Love is not perfect.
So okay, my view of love has changed a great deal over the past few months. Who can blame me really? I'm in the phase in my life where I try to detach myself from love as much as possible for fear of pain-- and for unpreparedness to handle hurt. But one thing I learned from love is, "you just never see it coming"
No, I'm not saying I'm in love right now, or that someone is in love with me. But there is someone right now that's trying to penetrate my wall and I'm scared. Not because I like him too but because I'm scared of trying-- I'm scared of finding out.
A few months back, I found myself wondering: when will I know I'm ready to love again? Then suddenly, Tata Young answered the question for me. The lyrics goes: The way that you love me, has got me thinking I'm ready for love. So that has been my belief since then. I won't look. I won't hope. I won't rush anything. I'll just know it's the right time when the right person shows me he's worthy of my love. It makes perfect sense.
But then, everything's just in my head. Now that reality is pulling me back to earth, a lot of what ifs enter my mind. Is standing idly on this path to love the right thing to do? Am I stupid to not look? Am I being too negative already? How do I really know what's real? How do I know which things are for me and which are not? A lot of questions left unanswered.
Love is so complicated. Especially now that I'm seeing everything with new eyes. I want to take it slow. I want to learn with one step at a time. My lovelife is not the stuff of fairytales and even if I sorely wish it was, I have to keep one foot on the ground, remembering that love in all its glory is real. And reality is imperfect.
playlist favorite: say it again- Marie Digby
Love in reality is so much different from what exists in your head.
I used to believe in fantasy. In fate and destiny. In "the one". In happy endings.
But a year of heartbreaks and destroyed fantasies has lead me to believe that dreams do not translate to reality. Reality is too real to be perfect-- and love exists in reality. Love is not perfect.
So okay, my view of love has changed a great deal over the past few months. Who can blame me really? I'm in the phase in my life where I try to detach myself from love as much as possible for fear of pain-- and for unpreparedness to handle hurt. But one thing I learned from love is, "you just never see it coming"
No, I'm not saying I'm in love right now, or that someone is in love with me. But there is someone right now that's trying to penetrate my wall and I'm scared. Not because I like him too but because I'm scared of trying-- I'm scared of finding out.
A few months back, I found myself wondering: when will I know I'm ready to love again? Then suddenly, Tata Young answered the question for me. The lyrics goes: The way that you love me, has got me thinking I'm ready for love. So that has been my belief since then. I won't look. I won't hope. I won't rush anything. I'll just know it's the right time when the right person shows me he's worthy of my love. It makes perfect sense.
But then, everything's just in my head. Now that reality is pulling me back to earth, a lot of what ifs enter my mind. Is standing idly on this path to love the right thing to do? Am I stupid to not look? Am I being too negative already? How do I really know what's real? How do I know which things are for me and which are not? A lot of questions left unanswered.
Love is so complicated. Especially now that I'm seeing everything with new eyes. I want to take it slow. I want to learn with one step at a time. My lovelife is not the stuff of fairytales and even if I sorely wish it was, I have to keep one foot on the ground, remembering that love in all its glory is real. And reality is imperfect.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Project Miley for Gold!
current addiction: project miley
playlist favorite: untouched- the veronicas (my personal revenge fork theme)
YAHOO! The project is done is now ready for viewing! Clickety click:
http://revengefork.multiply.com
Here's a sneak peak:
I know you're eyes just grew bigger. Go on, check out Revenge Fork now for more designs :)
playlist favorite: untouched- the veronicas (my personal revenge fork theme)
YAHOO! The project is done is now ready for viewing! Clickety click:
http://revengefork.multiply.com
Here's a sneak peak:
I know you're eyes just grew bigger. Go on, check out Revenge Fork now for more designs :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Boo hoo
current addiction: sleeping
playlist favorite: ?
I am extremely agitated at my health right now. Just when I said I cannot get sick, I do @_@ It's now my 4th day in bed. I had fever for two days, insane migraine for one day and now is suffering from asthma and sore throat. Gosh, could my health go any worse?
I'm thankful that although I feel horrible, the discomfort isn't enough to bring to the hospital. That is the last of my wishes right now. I just really want to wake up feeling better and in tip top shape! I'm getting so bored at home. I know I could have accomplished a lot this week and it pains me to think that it's mid-week and I'm still stuck at home. Nooooooooo!
Yeah, part of the reason I'm not recovering well is because I keep pushing myself to work. I'm also stressing out about getting well and you know how the body plays games on us right? Boo. I should find some sort of distraction. Wishing and wanting to be well is not helping at all! Why, why, why???
I feel horrible right now because I'm having asthma attacks. I have a hard time breathing well and I get embarrassingly long coughing spells. Gooooosh. It's been a while since I've last been "truly" sick and boy oh boy am I not thrilled at its timing right now. Ugh!
Friends, pray for my health. I am too busy to get sick.
playlist favorite: ?
I am extremely agitated at my health right now. Just when I said I cannot get sick, I do @_@ It's now my 4th day in bed. I had fever for two days, insane migraine for one day and now is suffering from asthma and sore throat. Gosh, could my health go any worse?
I'm thankful that although I feel horrible, the discomfort isn't enough to bring to the hospital. That is the last of my wishes right now. I just really want to wake up feeling better and in tip top shape! I'm getting so bored at home. I know I could have accomplished a lot this week and it pains me to think that it's mid-week and I'm still stuck at home. Nooooooooo!
Yeah, part of the reason I'm not recovering well is because I keep pushing myself to work. I'm also stressing out about getting well and you know how the body plays games on us right? Boo. I should find some sort of distraction. Wishing and wanting to be well is not helping at all! Why, why, why???
I feel horrible right now because I'm having asthma attacks. I have a hard time breathing well and I get embarrassingly long coughing spells. Gooooosh. It's been a while since I've last been "truly" sick and boy oh boy am I not thrilled at its timing right now. Ugh!
Friends, pray for my health. I am too busy to get sick.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Project Miley is Go!
current addiction: project miley
playlist favorite: up up down down- krissy and ericka
I have been very, very busy the past week with Project Miley. I am really enjoying this little project and I am waaaaaay excited to show you all already. Give me two weeks and I'm hoping to blow your minds! HAHA
I also would like to tell you all that I'll be starting "real" work soon. Everything happened too fast and I just let myself be guided by God and now, I finally decided to accept a job offer. I'll be doing PR work which I think is perfect for me but I also have to brace myself for all the late nights I will soon be having in the office. Hay. SRSLY, if it weren't too "unrealistic" and unconventional I'd rather just work on Project Miley. But then, this is good so I'm not complaining.
I am very excited with my life right now. I just know the next few months would be the hardest but most gratifying months I'll be having. My schedule is packed already that my prayers now include the plea for me to not get sick. Bawal.
I'll be updating you all as much as I can. I know it'll be hard for me to keep updating what with my real job, project miley and peppermintkiss keeping me busy. Nyah. Oh Lord, give me energy!
'til my next post!
love,
the-soon-to-be-workaholic-freak,
Ninin :)
playlist favorite: up up down down- krissy and ericka
I have been very, very busy the past week with Project Miley. I am really enjoying this little project and I am waaaaaay excited to show you all already. Give me two weeks and I'm hoping to blow your minds! HAHA
I also would like to tell you all that I'll be starting "real" work soon. Everything happened too fast and I just let myself be guided by God and now, I finally decided to accept a job offer. I'll be doing PR work which I think is perfect for me but I also have to brace myself for all the late nights I will soon be having in the office. Hay. SRSLY, if it weren't too "unrealistic" and unconventional I'd rather just work on Project Miley. But then, this is good so I'm not complaining.
I am very excited with my life right now. I just know the next few months would be the hardest but most gratifying months I'll be having. My schedule is packed already that my prayers now include the plea for me to not get sick. Bawal.
I'll be updating you all as much as I can. I know it'll be hard for me to keep updating what with my real job, project miley and peppermintkiss keeping me busy. Nyah. Oh Lord, give me energy!
'til my next post!
love,
the-soon-to-be-workaholic-freak,
Ninin :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Floating in a sea of uncertainty
current addiction: PK & Project Miley
playlist favorite: Here we go again- Demi
At the beginning of the year, I scribbled down on my Belle De Jour planner the phrase, "steady lang". It was meant to be my mantra for the entire year. It helped a lot during my thesis days co'z it kept me from hyperventilating from the stress. Every time I get overwhelmed, I repeat those words to myself and I find focus again.
The year's almost over and as I recall those words I stop to wonder how I've been putting it to practice. Steady lang.
I've recently been very, very busy with my life. No--I still don't have a job. For some reason the three companies I've applied to is taking such a long time processing my application. Gosh! But I'm not really complaining. I'm too busy with Project Miley (aka my money-making scheme) and PeppermintKiss to keep me occupied all day long anyway. I'm always out of the house, meeting up with friends, shopping, running errands and whatnots that I feel so tired all the time. Steady lang. Riiiiight.
I don't deny that I also feel very confused at this time. Especially when it comes to my future and career path. Project Miley and PeppermintKiss, leads me on a creative journey, one that's fascinating and fun , but on the other hand, a part of me is craving for a more grounded and "serious" work path. Something that feels grown-up.
My conversations with God nowadays are short and sweet. I tell him, "I trust you Lord". No requests, no whims, just a simple statement: I trust you. I know it's not the perfect prayer: others say I should tell Him exactly what I want but at this moment, I'm too confused and overwhelmed by the number of opportunities He has presented that I hardly know what I want anymore. Steady lang. I'm going where the tides take me.
It takes a lot of effort and will power to leave everything to God but these past few months has proved to me that trusting Him is the best thing I have ever done. I've been happy, worriless, and light-hearted. It's so nice to feel this way for a change, somehow, reality doesn't feel too harsh anymore. Everything (even the bad) feels right somehow. It gives me new perspective and also helps me stay afloat in this vast sea of uncertainty.
Steady lang-- it's so easy now co'z God provides the ground beneath my feet :)
playlist favorite: Here we go again- Demi
At the beginning of the year, I scribbled down on my Belle De Jour planner the phrase, "steady lang". It was meant to be my mantra for the entire year. It helped a lot during my thesis days co'z it kept me from hyperventilating from the stress. Every time I get overwhelmed, I repeat those words to myself and I find focus again.
The year's almost over and as I recall those words I stop to wonder how I've been putting it to practice. Steady lang.
I've recently been very, very busy with my life. No--I still don't have a job. For some reason the three companies I've applied to is taking such a long time processing my application. Gosh! But I'm not really complaining. I'm too busy with Project Miley (aka my money-making scheme) and PeppermintKiss to keep me occupied all day long anyway. I'm always out of the house, meeting up with friends, shopping, running errands and whatnots that I feel so tired all the time. Steady lang. Riiiiight.
I don't deny that I also feel very confused at this time. Especially when it comes to my future and career path. Project Miley and PeppermintKiss, leads me on a creative journey, one that's fascinating and fun , but on the other hand, a part of me is craving for a more grounded and "serious" work path. Something that feels grown-up.
My conversations with God nowadays are short and sweet. I tell him, "I trust you Lord". No requests, no whims, just a simple statement: I trust you. I know it's not the perfect prayer: others say I should tell Him exactly what I want but at this moment, I'm too confused and overwhelmed by the number of opportunities He has presented that I hardly know what I want anymore. Steady lang. I'm going where the tides take me.
It takes a lot of effort and will power to leave everything to God but these past few months has proved to me that trusting Him is the best thing I have ever done. I've been happy, worriless, and light-hearted. It's so nice to feel this way for a change, somehow, reality doesn't feel too harsh anymore. Everything (even the bad) feels right somehow. It gives me new perspective and also helps me stay afloat in this vast sea of uncertainty.
Steady lang-- it's so easy now co'z God provides the ground beneath my feet :)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Weird craziness
current addiction: country story in facebook
playlist favorite: one time- justin beiber
Life is so weird for me right now. It's like I'm a whole new person living a life that feels foreign to me. It's wonderful and exciting! But there are times that it feels too good-- like it's not real. I want to embrace all that I'm enjoying right now and believe this is the start of a brand new life for me. I want this. I want this new life. I'm liking it a lot.
In recent years, I have fully embraced the idea of change. Of how you can makeover everything from your looks, your personality, your lifestyle, your career and even your entire destiny. Sometimes it's a conscious choice but sometimes, it's God's move.
I believe everything happens for a reason-- even the bad things. I've learned to trust God and His will because time and again, He proves to me that everything works out perfectly in the end.
I'm so busy right now with my new life and it's confusing and my new role is overwhelming but I'm embracing it because He gave this life to me. This is what is supposed to happen. Everything is falling into place. And even if it's scary and unbelievably wonderful, I'm trusting it's not just a phase-- I'm believing I get to keep this new life.
Thank you Lord for the blessings. Thank you Lord.
playlist favorite: one time- justin beiber
Life is so weird for me right now. It's like I'm a whole new person living a life that feels foreign to me. It's wonderful and exciting! But there are times that it feels too good-- like it's not real. I want to embrace all that I'm enjoying right now and believe this is the start of a brand new life for me. I want this. I want this new life. I'm liking it a lot.
In recent years, I have fully embraced the idea of change. Of how you can makeover everything from your looks, your personality, your lifestyle, your career and even your entire destiny. Sometimes it's a conscious choice but sometimes, it's God's move.
I believe everything happens for a reason-- even the bad things. I've learned to trust God and His will because time and again, He proves to me that everything works out perfectly in the end.
I'm so busy right now with my new life and it's confusing and my new role is overwhelming but I'm embracing it because He gave this life to me. This is what is supposed to happen. Everything is falling into place. And even if it's scary and unbelievably wonderful, I'm trusting it's not just a phase-- I'm believing I get to keep this new life.
Thank you Lord for the blessings. Thank you Lord.
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